Hey! Yes, you. Single, straight vegan man. Come over here for a moment. I have something I would like to talk to you about.
You know how tough it can be as a single vegan, right? It is difficult to find time and situations for romance. You want to be in a relationship and you can’t imagine fostering intimacy with a non-vegan.
You might be thinking the answer to this situation is to go to as many vegan social events as possible and approach as many women as you can.
Wrong. Treating vegan social events as your own singles hotline leads to women feeling harassed, annoyed, objectified and unsafe.
But maybe you have no idea what I am talking about. Well, good news follows below.
I have taken time out of my intensive eating schedule to lay down some common pointers on how you can be a valuable and valued member of your local vegan community. The tips detailed below will help you rise from the ranks of creeper and sex pest to the lofty heights of respected and respectful member of your social group.
Fat Gay Vegan’s Guide for Single Straight Vegan Men
- Remember that vegan social events are not like Hollywood sitcoms. You do not have 30 minutes (minus commercial breaks) to turn a ‘no’ or a ‘not interested’ into a yes. No means no, buddy. Barney Stinson doesn’t exist in real life. You are meant to laugh at how tragic he is, not take pointers from him.
- Do not treat women like a commodity on a production line. If a woman isn’t responding to you on a romantic or sexual level, it is perfectly OK to interact with her as a friendly individual. You have done well to read the ‘no’ as a no, but this doesn’t mean you instantly move on to the next woman. Chill out and interact without expectations, fella.
- Let new women to the group find their own way into social situations. You are not required to approach every woman who looks like they don’t know anyone. It more often than not creeps women out to be approached instantly by a strange man when they have only just entered a room. Women are adults and you can take the back seat on this one, mate.
- If a woman enters and does appear to not know anyone or is sitting on her own for a long period at a social event, try approaching in a small group that includes women. Ask women who are familiar and secure in the social setting to join you to welcome the new member. Don’t go over on your own. Show the newcomer that the group members are diverse, welcoming and non-predatory.
- Talk to men and women. Nothing gives off creepy, harassing vibes quite like the guy who trawls around the room only talking to women. These events are designed to build community and for you to meet a diverse range of people. Communicate widely and stop bothering women exclusively.
- Vegan events are not your dating pool. If you meet someone and you share a mutual attraction and respect, no one is going to stand in your way. But if you attend these social gatherings with the intent of meeting a woman at the front of your brain, you have it all wrong. Social events created for everyone are not singles nights. People are not there to offer themselves as a sacrifice to the romance gods. Put romantic possibilities on the back burner and enjoy the thrill of being part of a vibrant, inclusive and compassionate community.
- Don’t stand so close to women. Leave at least three Tofurky box lengths between you and your conversation partner. The big Tofurky boxes. Held lengthways. They are in the Whole Foods freezer. Go and look at one if you are unsure.
- Don’t ask someone out on a date during a vegan event unless it has been specifically designed for you to do so. Allow women the space to be social, network and have fun without the threat of being asked out by single men who are hovering all night.
- If you see another single vegan man being creepy, tell him.
- Unless you have some incredible connection or you work in the same field as someone and you have both decided it would be beneficial to stay in touch, do not send a Facebook friend request to a woman you just met as soon as you get home.
- Talk broadly about interesting topics to more than one person at a time. Do not inundate single women with endless facts about you, your interests or what a top bloke you are. Transfer your line of conversation from selling yourself as a good catch to more inclusive and therefore less intimidating ideas.
- Nobody owes you anything. Women can walk away from you instantly without explanation and without expecting you will follow them across the room. If someone moves away from you, understand they have made a choice you have to respect.
See you all at London Vegan Drinks!